Tuesday, January 20, 2004
This one isn't really a story, more of a reflection on a relationship.
Not too sure as to what im supposed to say about Charlotte. Shes one of the most amazing people I have ever known and still know to this day. Even after a horrible summer spent away from each other and coming to grips that I would not be coming back to Queens this year, we are still great friends. Maybe not as good as we once were. But maybe were better friends. Im not sure of that yet. She has helped me to understand me and what I want and deserve in life. Though the specifics are blurry, one is still major in my life. My faith is different because of her. I have what I cal a strong faith. But it is not centered around the belief that I have to go to church to worship god or believe in a pope. She has helped me in the understanding of this, but shes a self proclaimed Buddhist. Though she was raised to worship jesus and god, she felt that the Buddhist religion was the right one for her. I find this so amazing b/c I could not seeing myself give up the faith that I have.
I guess I miss her most of all. I miss talking to her into really late at night. I miss watching lilo and Stitch with her. I miss eating the boca sausages. I miss going to the gym with her and trying to do pilates with her and laughing the whole time cause I couldn’t do it. I miss hearing her talk of her boyfriends with me. I miss eating at the caf. With her. I miss watching Felicity with her, a show that I can’t stand. I miss trading spaces and while you were out. I miss staying up all night and then taking showers at the same time. I miss her telling me that I am pretty and smart. Though I think that of her. I miss her trying her to teach me how to play soccer. I miss country music channel and taking naps daily. I miss getting tattoos with her. I miss being jealous of her. I miss talking to random guys on AOL and having them send dirty pictures of themselves to us and how we just laughed for hours at them. I miss the cool kids club. I miss our spot at the diner. I miss having her in the same room with me. I miss her making fun of me as I told her of the stupid things ive done. I miss reading her stories and poetry. I miss just listening to her talk. The funny and sad stories she told. I miss doing illegal things with her, like drinking too much and smoking pot. I miss how she always said I was lesbian when I was high, and to this day how I swear that I never was. I miss being apart of her daily life.
She was one of the truest friends ive ever known. She always let me know if I was being a bitch or if I was funny. She always was there for me. She stood next to me while my boyfriend cheated on me. Though the two are really close, probably closer than we are now or will ever be. And that hurts so much to me, for reasons I don’t understand. Its her descision to make. She helped me to just get over him. She pushed me to do the things I was supposed to. Though I never followed through like I should have, she still wanted me to be the best I could. Sometimes, when im listening to Dave Matthews or I just feel so neglected from the friends that I have here in Raleigh, I cry thinking of how good she was too me. Not once did she ever ignore me for a guy. Not once did she kick me out of our room so that she could be with some guy alone. Shes absolutely the one person I know I will remember for my entire life. And even when I think im an adult, I know ill look back on the time that we were together all the time and still learn from her. Its hard for me to not have her around, and I wish I had more of a chance to see her. Im afraid that ill lose her forever. Im afraid that she and Jon, my ex, will be great friends till they die and ill just be forgotten. I don’t know if I could deal with that. I don’t know if I want to even think of that. I just want what I had. Now I have to settle with what I get. Not with what I want or think I deserve. Or maybe im just pmsing too much.
Not too sure as to what im supposed to say about Charlotte. Shes one of the most amazing people I have ever known and still know to this day. Even after a horrible summer spent away from each other and coming to grips that I would not be coming back to Queens this year, we are still great friends. Maybe not as good as we once were. But maybe were better friends. Im not sure of that yet. She has helped me to understand me and what I want and deserve in life. Though the specifics are blurry, one is still major in my life. My faith is different because of her. I have what I cal a strong faith. But it is not centered around the belief that I have to go to church to worship god or believe in a pope. She has helped me in the understanding of this, but shes a self proclaimed Buddhist. Though she was raised to worship jesus and god, she felt that the Buddhist religion was the right one for her. I find this so amazing b/c I could not seeing myself give up the faith that I have.
I guess I miss her most of all. I miss talking to her into really late at night. I miss watching lilo and Stitch with her. I miss eating the boca sausages. I miss going to the gym with her and trying to do pilates with her and laughing the whole time cause I couldn’t do it. I miss hearing her talk of her boyfriends with me. I miss eating at the caf. With her. I miss watching Felicity with her, a show that I can’t stand. I miss trading spaces and while you were out. I miss staying up all night and then taking showers at the same time. I miss her telling me that I am pretty and smart. Though I think that of her. I miss her trying her to teach me how to play soccer. I miss country music channel and taking naps daily. I miss getting tattoos with her. I miss being jealous of her. I miss talking to random guys on AOL and having them send dirty pictures of themselves to us and how we just laughed for hours at them. I miss the cool kids club. I miss our spot at the diner. I miss having her in the same room with me. I miss her making fun of me as I told her of the stupid things ive done. I miss reading her stories and poetry. I miss just listening to her talk. The funny and sad stories she told. I miss doing illegal things with her, like drinking too much and smoking pot. I miss how she always said I was lesbian when I was high, and to this day how I swear that I never was. I miss being apart of her daily life.
She was one of the truest friends ive ever known. She always let me know if I was being a bitch or if I was funny. She always was there for me. She stood next to me while my boyfriend cheated on me. Though the two are really close, probably closer than we are now or will ever be. And that hurts so much to me, for reasons I don’t understand. Its her descision to make. She helped me to just get over him. She pushed me to do the things I was supposed to. Though I never followed through like I should have, she still wanted me to be the best I could. Sometimes, when im listening to Dave Matthews or I just feel so neglected from the friends that I have here in Raleigh, I cry thinking of how good she was too me. Not once did she ever ignore me for a guy. Not once did she kick me out of our room so that she could be with some guy alone. Shes absolutely the one person I know I will remember for my entire life. And even when I think im an adult, I know ill look back on the time that we were together all the time and still learn from her. Its hard for me to not have her around, and I wish I had more of a chance to see her. Im afraid that ill lose her forever. Im afraid that she and Jon, my ex, will be great friends till they die and ill just be forgotten. I don’t know if I could deal with that. I don’t know if I want to even think of that. I just want what I had. Now I have to settle with what I get. Not with what I want or think I deserve. Or maybe im just pmsing too much.
Monday, January 19, 2004
"Please don't."
"Why?"
"Because i asked you to."
"Thats not enough."
"Whys that not enough? I asked you to stop, and you won't. And now your starting to piss me off."
"I just....I don't know. I just need you."
"You need a type of security i can't or won't give you."
"Why not?"
"Blame it on the past, or the fact that i just physically can't. But youll either accept it, or not. I will can't change now. I don't know if i want to."
"But i need you."
"Why are you so dependent on me? You are so smart and funny and you have so much going for you. Don't rely on something thats so unstable."
-more later
"Why?"
"Because i asked you to."
"Thats not enough."
"Whys that not enough? I asked you to stop, and you won't. And now your starting to piss me off."
"I just....I don't know. I just need you."
"You need a type of security i can't or won't give you."
"Why not?"
"Blame it on the past, or the fact that i just physically can't. But youll either accept it, or not. I will can't change now. I don't know if i want to."
"But i need you."
"Why are you so dependent on me? You are so smart and funny and you have so much going for you. Don't rely on something thats so unstable."
-more later
